


Don't let go

by andonewillbringhisfall



Category: Carry On - Rainbow Rowell, Simon Snow & Related Fandoms
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-01
Updated: 2018-05-01
Packaged: 2019-04-30 16:34:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,240
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14501106
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/andonewillbringhisfall/pseuds/andonewillbringhisfall
Summary: Simon is freaking out about Baz having been locked in a coffin.





	Don't let go

**Author's Note:**

> Old fic from my Tumblr. This was in response to a prompt from @iamjanaandjanameansme <3
> 
> ‘Simon is freaking out about Baz having been locked in a coffin and Baz tells Simon he thought of him to stay sane.’

 

> _‘The numpties kept you in a coffin? For two months?’_
> 
> _‘Six weeks,’ he mutters. ‘And I think they thought they were doing me a favour, with the coffin….’_
> 
> (Carry On, p372-373)

I don’t even realise I’ve jumped to my feet until I feel Penny’s reassuring hand on my arm.

‘You were in a coffin for six weeks?’ I ask, my voice strangled. ‘How are you not  _dead_?’

Baz sneers. ‘It’d take more than numpties to kill someone who’s already dead, Snow.’

‘You’re not dead,’ I growl, beginning to pace. ‘Are you okay? Did they feed you?’

He rolls his eyes. ‘Of course that’s your primary concern.’

‘Did they?’

‘They gave me blood.’

‘But you need food too, right?’

‘Not as much as a normal person,’ he says, his tone curt.

He went six weeks without food. How is he still alive? Who could have done this to him?

‘Blood from what?’ Penny asks, and Agatha makes a noise of disgust.

Baz sighs. ‘I didn’t ask.’

How can he act like he’s okay? I would have gone crazy. I’m trying to picture it, what it would have been like, in the pitch darkness for weeks on end with nowhere to go, unable to move. Helpless.

‘Is that why you were limping?’ Penny asks.

I freeze. ‘Did they hurt you?’

‘No,’ Baz says. ‘Not intentionally. There was a ransom.’

‘And it took six weeks for your parents to pay it?’ Agatha says.

‘No. Pitches don’t pay ransoms.’

‘What?’ I explode. ‘They could have done something, and they left you there?’

I start pacing again. I have to keep moving, use this energy somehow, otherwise I’ll do something stupid.

‘How did you do it?’ Penny asks. ‘I would have gone insane.’

‘I thought I was,’ he says, ‘sometimes.’

I whirl on him. ‘ _Baz –_ ’

‘What was it like?’ She’s looking at him curiously, and he’s still avoiding all of our gazes. He’s acting like the worst part of the whole thing was the embarrassment, like this was just a mild annoyance to him.

‘What do you think?’ Baz says, sneering. ‘Dark. Cold. Quite the picnic.’ He hesitates. ‘It was… hard to tell, sometimes, if I’d already crossed over.’

‘Baz,’ I say again. (I thought he was plotting. I never even imagined…)

‘What kept you sane?’ Penny asks.

Baz flicks his eyes over to me, then back to Penny. ‘The thought that I might never have to see Snow’s pious face again.’

‘Funny,’ Penny says, looking unimpressed. ‘Because  _he_  was driving  _me_  insane obsessing over where you were and when you were coming back.’

‘Didn’t do either of us much good, did it?’ Baz snaps.

I growl at him. I just can’t stand it. The whole time I was running around looking for him, needing him, hating him, he was lying helpless in a coffin. For six weeks, trapped with nothing but his own despair to keep him company. I’ve already cried enough for him, in the forest, and now this.

Everything he said to me – about himself and his mother and what he thinks he deserves – is that what was going through his head the whole time?

‘Simon,’ Penny says. ‘Are you okay?’

I look down and see that my hands are curled into fists. I’ve stopped pacing, my breaths coming fast and shallow, the air around me slowly burning up with my magic. I force myself to nod.

‘I’m sorry,’ I say to Baz.

He frowns. ‘For what?’

‘I’m sorry. I’m just – sorry.’ For thinking he was evil. For not getting him out.

He’s not acting like he’s in pain – he’s too proud, he never would – but he has to be. It makes me want to grab onto him and never let go. Even if he insists there’s nothing between us.

‘I would have done  _anything_  to get you back,’ I say, and when he looks at me, he doesn’t look so okay anymore.

I move to sit next to him, Agatha and Penny watching us nervously, and I’m reminded again that we’re supposed to hate each other. It’s not supposed to hurt this much knowing what he’s been through. I’m not supposed to try to comfort him, and he’s not supposed to let me.

‘Are you okay?’ I ask softly.

He leans away from me. ‘It’s been almost two months, Snow. I’m fine.’

‘You’re  _not_  fine.’ I glare at him, and I see it again, the fire reflected in his eyes, and how I felt its heat at my back and knew it was about to destroy him. And I tried to pull him out of it, to keep him alive, and he wouldn’t let me. He wouldn’t leave.

‘I would have done anything to get you back,’ I murmur.

He turns his eyes towards the ceiling, and I don’t know if he wants me to stop, to go back to pretending I hate him, or if he’s crying.

I reach for his hand, slowly, expecting him to pull away. I have to touch him. I have to know that he’s still here, with me, even though the girls are watching and Baz will push me away -

He laces his fingers through mine and squeezes tightly. ‘I know,’ he whispers. His eyes are closed.

Agatha stands up suddenly and leaves the room without looking back. Penny spares us one last glance and then goes after her, and we’re alone.

‘Baz?’

He opens his eyes, and the way he’s looking at me now is the exact opposite of every other look he’s ever given me. He breathes a soft sigh and then his free hand is in my hair, brushing shaky fingers through the curls over my forehead.

‘It was you,’ he says quietly. ‘You kept me sane.’

‘You said that,’ I say, ready to pull away from him if he does this again, insults me, pushes me away.

‘No, Simon…’ He’s caressing my cheek now, and I lean into him, already forgetting to be careful. (He’s careful enough for the both of us.) ‘I thought about you,’ he murmurs, ‘and just knowing you were alive was what kept me from losing it.’

‘Oh.’

‘You kept me sane,’ he says. ‘Always you.’ His forehead touches mine.

I kiss him, and like all the other times, his lips are cold and he kisses me like it’s all he’s ever wanted to do. I think about the first desperate kiss in the forest, when I thought I was going to lose him.

I pull him closer to me. I can’t lose him. I can’t hurt him, either, or let him go through anything like that again.

‘I thought about –’ I say, between breathless kisses – ‘you, too.’

‘Doesn’t count,’ he mumbles.

‘It does,’ I say, both hands now in his hair. ‘I missed you.’

‘Shut up.’

We break apart only when we hear footsteps outside the library. Baz smooths down his hair and his face goes completely blank as he moves away from me.

‘Don’t,’ I say.

I don’t know how to tell him that I don’t care if they know, that I want them to know. I want to be his boyfriend. I want him to say he’s mine so that if he ever disappears again, I’ll be the first to know and the first to come and find him.

‘Don’t what?’ he says, but he must know, because he moves back to my side and takes my hand.

The door opens.

‘Don’t let go.’


End file.
